A few years ago, a “Polish” couple living in a certain English speaking country decided that what their small daughter truly needed was a real, “straight-off-the-boat” Polish nanny. Though they themselves spoke some Polish (as much as can be expected of third and second generation Poles), it just wasn’t the kind of Polish they wanted their daughter to speak. Enter the nanny – a young girl from a small village somewhere near Kielce. Or maybe Katowice. I’m not 100% sure. Świeżo upieczona maturzystka (freshly graduated from high-school) with very basic English skills. But that suited the couple just fine. After all, they wanted a Polish speaking “real” Polish nanny.
But just to be sure that everything was OK, they asked me to keep an eye on her for a few days. Show her around, explain why there were two refrigerators in the kitchen and why meat stuff went in one and dairy products in the other, make sure that she knew how to work the vacuum cleaner and tumble dryer, take her shopping, show her where the park, post office, library and what not were. That sort of stuff. So in effect, for a few days I found myself nannying the nanny.
One day we decided to take the kid to the park. It was a beautiful day and the park was filled with mommies and nannies and all sorts of little ones running around and generally having a good time. “Our” little one wanted to feed the ducks (kaczki, there was a duck pond there), so I left her with the nanny and dutifully marched to the nearest store to buy some bread (chleb).
When I got back the first thing I noticed was a group of mothers looking very uncomfortable. Some were dragging their offspring away from the duck pond. And then I saw, or rather heard, “my” nanny and the little girl in her charge making their best duck noises. Polish duck noises. The little girl joyously clapped her hands and loudly shouted “kfa, kfa, kfa!” (it should be spelled “kwa, kwa, kwa” but since it sounds like “kfa”, it will be “kfa” for now.)
“Kfa, kfa, kfa!” the smiling nanny kept making duck noises. The mothers looked at her in disgust, shook their heads and almost covered their children’s ears. I finally realized what was happening and was laughing so hard that snot started to come out of my nose.
You see, Polish ducks say “kfa, kfa, kfa” and if you say it fast a few times you end up with something that sounds like… well, just try it yourself, OK?
I gently explained to the nanny that English-speaking ducks prefer to say what sounds like “kua kua” to a Pole, and that the Polish “kfa kfa” might be somewhat objectionable if used around children and in polite company.
So while Polish ducks might like curse words, dogs (psy) in Poland simply ask “how”. Actually, it’s written “hau” in Polish, but it sounds just like “how”. Cats (koty) speak a universal cat language of “miau miau” which despite its different spelling in Polish is the same as “meow meow” in English.
Horses (konie) go “ihahaha!”, frogs (żaby) “rech rech”, pigs – I’m not sure.
It’s only them polskie kaczki that use bad language.
