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A Mini Dose of French Humor: Politics Explained to Little French Kids!

Feb 8 2012

Before any major election in France, just like any other country, les blagues politiques (political jokes) reign supreme!

The following French joke is actually quite universal, and can be particularly appreciated everywhere in the world where 2012 happens to be a Presidential Elections Year: In les États-Unis (USA), la Russie, l’Inde (India), la Tunisie, le Yemen, la Palestine, l’Egypte, Hong-Kong, Taiwan, le Turkménistan, la Corée du Sud, le Timor oriental, le Venezuela, la République dominicaine, le Mexique, la Serbie, la Finlande, le Sénégal, le Mali, Madagascar, Ghana, la Sierra Leone, Iceland, la Turquie, la Slovénie, not to mention the sovereign Republic of Palau!

◊ LA BLAGUE (the Joke):

- Un enfant demande à son papa: “explique-moi, c’est quoi la politique?”
(A kid asks his father: “Daddy explain to me, what is politics?”)

- Le papa répond: ” c’est très simple. Je vais te donner un exemple : dans notre famille, c’est moi qui rapporte de l’argent, je suis donc le capitaliste.

(The father answers: “It’s quite simple, I will give you an example: In our family, I am the one who earns the money, so I am the capitalist.)

- Ta maman gère cet argent, elle est donc le gouvernement.

(Your Mom manages this money, so she is the government.)

- Grand-père vérifie si tout ce passe bien : il est donc le parlement.

(Grandpa verifies if everything goes well: So he is the Parliament.)

- La bonne est la classe ouvrière.
(The maid is the working class.)

- Nous n’avons tous qu’un seul but : ton bien-être… Tu es donc le peuple.
(We all share one goal: Your well-being… So you are the people.)

- Ton petit frère est encore dans le berceau, nous dirons alors qu’il est l’avenir.”
(Your little brother is still in the cradle, so we’ll say that he is the future)

L’enfant a bien écouté! La nuit tombe chacun s’en va au lit.
(The kid listened very carefully! At night, everyone went to bed.)

L’enfant, dans le sommeil, entend son petit frère qui pleure. Il se lève et va voir.

(During his sleep, the kid heard his little brother crying. He wakes up and goes to check on him.)

En fait, le petit frère avait fait dans ses couches!
(As it turned out, the little brother had dirtied his diapers!)

Que faire? il va dans la chambre de ses parents et s’aperçoit que la maman est toute seule au lit en train de dormir.

(What to do? He goes to the room of his parents and notices that the mother is alone in bed, deeply sleeping.)

Ne voulant pas la réveiller, il va à la chambre de la bonne et là! il trouve son père dans le lit de la jeune fille.

(Not wanting to wake her up, he goes to the room of the maid and there! He found his dad in the bed of the young girl.)

Il voit même le grand-père qui regarde par la fenêtre. Ayant peur, l’enfant va se recoucher et s’endort.

(He even sees his grandpa watching through the window. Feeling scared, the kid goes back to bed and falls asleep.)

Le lendemain le papa demande: “Alors mon fils, as-tu bien compris la leçon d’hier?”

(The next day the father asked: “So, my son, did you understand well yesterday’s lesson?”)

Le garçon répond “Oui papa, ta définition est claire:”
(The boy answers: “Yes daddy, your definition is clear:”)

“Le capitalisme profite de la classe ouvrière pendant que le gouvernement dort et le parlement regarde sans rien dire. On s’en fout de ce que pense le peuple et l’avenir est dans la m%$#&…”

(“Capitalism takes advantage of the working class while the government is asleep and the parliament watches without saying a word. Nobody gives a damn about what the people think, and the future is in deep s%$#…”)

She Loved France with a Passion: A Great Novelist, Mother, and Grandmother

Posted by Mr. Transparent No Comments

Feb 6 2012

As the national attention of her pays natal (native country), l’Égypte, was overwhelmingly occupied by the stunning popular uprising qui battait son plein (at its height) just a year ago, the disappearance from this world of l’enfant du pays (the native child, or literally “the child of the country”) -who was also of Lebanese extraction and later became French, par adoption- went by almost completely inaperçue (unnoticed)…

: Andrée Chedid, romancière, mère et grand-mère (Novelist, Mother and Grandmother)

Born into une famille libanaise (a Lebanese family) who resided then in le Caire (Cairo), the capital of “la mère du monde“, or “the Mother of the World“, which is how Egyptians famously nickname their country, future author and mother Andrée was to eventually settle in France in the aftermath of WWII, after spending half of the wartime in le Liban (Lebanon.)

Soon enough, la jeune adolescente (the young teenager) would emerge to adulthood as a prolific author, venturing in more than one literary genre: Essay, prose, poetry, drama, and even la littérature d’enfance et de jeunesse (children’s literature.)

A conversation with Madame Chedid, mother of the famous Louis Chedid, and her even more famous grandson, the seven-times winner of les Victoires de la Musique, singer, and “rock star” Matthieu ‘-M-’ Chedid

Her rich identity as une femme arabe (an Arab woman), une chrétienne (a Christian woman), and une francophone, finds a wide and profound réflexion in her literary works, which are translated today in nine languages around the world.

When she won le Goncourt of poetry a few years ago, it was by no means a new accomplishment for this grande dame.

She did just that more than 30 years ago, when she won le Prix Goncourt de la Nouvelle.

In fact, the literary prize was known back then as ”la Bourse” Goncourt de la Nouvelle (in the “short story” category), of which she was the recipient at a time when earning le Goncourt truly meant something in the French monde littéraire (literary world.) That is, way before the Goncourt morphed, as of two years ago, into a “Clonecourt“, namely the special award for unabashed plagiarizing “Raëlian” clones! (See the “Houellebecq dossier” for more details.)

Just as Mary N. Layoun, an author who often wrote about la Grèce (Greece), rightfully pointed out in her study “The Sixth Day of Compassion“, devoted to Andrée Chedid’s novel “le sixieme jour” (“The Sixth Day”), the profound influence of Platon (Plato) is readily perceptible, and lies at the very heart of her works

Although Mrs. Layoun does not state it quite explicitly in the aforementioned study, one must think of the allégorie platonique de la caverne (Platonic allegory of the Cave), illuminating the true sense of life and reality, the source of la lumière et les ombres (the light and the shadows), when Madame Chedid pens these magnificently memorable lines (Page 85, of the Flammarion edition) through the mouth of her character, Om Hassan:

“L’ombre, c’est la maladie du soleil, et rappelle-toi, le soleil gagne toujours. Toi, tu es mon soleil. Tu es ma vie.”
(“The shadow is but the disease of the Sun, et remember, the Sun always triumphs. You, you’re my Sun. You’re my life.”)

Here Comes “l’Homme Providentiel” of the 2012 French Presidential Elections!

Posted by Mr. Transparent 1 Comment

Feb 1 2012

“L’Homme Providentiel“, the “Providential Man“, (or “La Femme Providentielle” this year), the “Savior of the Masses”, is one of those “dynamite figures”, so to speak, which have for long jalonné (punctuated) the History of France: From Louis XIV, “le Roi Soleil” (The Sun King), to his Supreme Highness, le Grand Empreur Napoléon Bonaparte—To, finally, the much less sophisticated “parodical figureheads” of later pedigree…
Much to the “déception“, of course, of the overwhelming majority of the French people!
But to each their own disappointment, to each their own “Waterloo“…

What a Corsican with a “Napoleon complex” would have probably looked like deux siècles plus tard (two centuries later)!

SILMARILS – “L’Homme Providentiel” (“The Providential Man”)

* S I L M A R I L S - “L’H o m m e P r o v i d e n t i e l” (“The Providential Man”):

Dormez, dormez tranquille quand je vous l’ordonne

Sleep, sleep tight when I order you to

Placez vos espérances en moi et que Dieu vous pardonne

Put your hopes into me and may God forgive you

Applaudissez mes actes et buvez mes paroles

Applaud my actions and drink my words

Affichez ma photo dans toutes les écoles

Display my picture in all schools

Assez! Nous allons dire, nous allons faire

Enough! We will say, we will do

Nous allons bientôt rendre sa fertilité à la terre

We shall give to the land its fertility back

Nous allons faire de vos femmes de bonnes mères

We shall make of your women good mothers

Votez pour moi vous aurez la lumière

Vote for me and you shall see the light

Voyez je n’ai pas un seul ennemi

Look I have not a single enemy

Car mon discours se situe bien au-dela des partis

For my speech is beyond patisanship

J’accueille à bras ouverts tous les nouveaux venus

I welcome with wide arms all the newcomers

L’heure de changement de vestes est enfin venue

The turncoat time is finally upon us

Merci aux ralliement de dernière minute

Thank you to the rallying of last minute

Aux Stackhanovistes du demi-tour aux fils de @#%$&!

To the Stakhavonites of about-turns, to the sons of @#%$&!

Vous avez tellement tellement fait pour moi

You did so much for me

La nation ne vous oubliera pas

The nation won’t forget you

Je rendrai fertile la terre

I shall make the land fertile again

Je changerai en or la pierre

I will turn stones into gold

Les hommes seront de bons pères

Men will be good fathers

Je suis l’homme providentiel

I am the providential man

Lifting The Veil Off An Invisible “French Godzilla Inc.”

Posted by Mr. Transparent No Comments

Jan 18 2012

Let us talk about “French Godzillas” today… Shall we?

Not Godzillas like the baby-lizard-turned-gigantic-monster thanks to the radioactive radiations emanating from some hypothetical undercover French nuclear experiments, shamelessly conducted in an undisclosed area within French Polynesia (according to the scrpit of the 1998 remake featuring Jean Reno)…

Non, but some very real, very palpable, yet invisible, *financial* Godzillas in France!

Not too long ago, a French friend confessed to me that her passion for le journalisme d’investigation was born the day she came to the startling conclusion that the International French airport through which she often traveled, the company which built that very same airport, in addition to the world-famous luxurious products she purchased at the airport’s détaxé (duty-free) area, together with the popular French news magazine she leafed through on the airplane while sipping a cup of a prestigious brand of French wine, the service company from which she usually rented her car to travel around in France, the autoroutes (highways) she drove through, the radio stations she tuned to while driving, the parking garages she used for her rented car, etc., etc.,

… all of them belonged to the one and same French owner!

Say Bonjour to Monsieur François Pinault (courtesy of bakchich.info)

Who’s this man, at the top-most rank of un empire invisible in France?

The man in question is a Frenchman by the name of François Pinault.

And this Frenchman is, above anything else, a businessman, who often likes to remind everyone that he hails originally from the la Bretagne region (the legendary Celtic land of Surcouf and Astérix and Obélix, which is technically the “least French” of all the 22 regions of Metropole France, since it historically maintained a vigorous resistance against the successive waves of alien invasion launched by the Salien Franks, sometime between the 4th and the 5th centuries, who would then be the first to coin the name “France“—but that of course would be an entirely different story.)

It Takes Deux - But Somtimes Trois - to (French) Tango

Linda Evangelista

Salma Hayek

In fact, Monsieur Pinault, together with his fortunate son and designated heir, Pinault Junior, have practically become to French Brittany what the Du Pont family (of known French extraction) is to the State of Delaware: A familly and its estate.

Monsieur Pinault Jr., Salma Hayek‘s happy spouse since almost two years now, was generously forgiven by his Hollywood-star-wifey for not too much wasting his time when the couple went on a brief period of separation, during which he secretly fathered the son of “Too Funky” supermodel Linda Evangelista, of George Michael fame, and to whom he is now obliged to pay, says a New York court, a monthly pension of $46,000.

The love of a father for his (previously held secret) child.

"And the Legion d'honneur is awarded to..."

In exchange for her admirable understanding, her sincere devotion towards her French husband (heir to the fifth wealthiest family in the country), the Latina Star who famously portrayed “Frida” was graciously awarded, only a few days ago, la Légion d’honneur by French President Nicolas Sarkozy, un très bon pote (meaning “a very good pal, but that’s an understatement) of the Pinault family—”Hey, après tout (after all), what’s a little Presidential medal pinning between good ole cronies?”)

In the same “Imperial” ceremony, which dates back all the way to the Napoleonic era, M.Pinault Sr. was promoted to the Legion’s exalted rank of “Grand Officier“ (Grand Officer), s’il vous plaît.

Three to a French Tango: Hayek-Pinault Junior-Evangelista

Over the four past decades, Monsieur Pinault (the older) acquired a solid reputation of a “self-made man”—Yes, well, that, and also a “little push”, of course, from des amis bien placés (well-placed friends.)

His current personal fortune is “guesstimated” by Forbes at a conservative 11.5 milliards de dollars ($11.5 billion), slightly less than the PIB (French for GDP) of Iceland, but nearly the double of less fortunate countries such as Niger and Haiti, two nations where, luckily for him (but understandably not so much so for them), he happens to be running several large-scale business operations.

A French Success Story Starring “Sugar Daddies” ans Lots of “Sweetheart Deals“

Of course, not to badmouth the old man in the least, or, as the French say, lui casser le sucre sur le dos (literally “to break sugar on his back“, meaning “to speak ill of him”), but we are told, from several independent sources, that he started erecting his financial empire around 1970 as a commodity spéculateur—most particularly le sucre (sugar)…

Soon afterwards, his lucrative sugar dealings turned him into un vrai chouchou (a true darling) of the French financial elite, that is the “sugar daddies” of the CAC 40, the benchmark French stock market index, who so kindly rushed to take him under their protective wings, showering their protégé with numerous traitements de faveur, or “sweetheart deals“, chief amongst them is le Crédit Lyonnais, one of France’s oldest companies, which famously helped him shield millions (if not more) worth of taxes… in France, of course, but also in the State of California (the launchpad of Junior‘s career), and many other places.

A colossal amount of money which, as a “shrewd investor of the 1980′s” (the golden era of Michael Milken and T Boon Pickens in the US, or Bernard Tapie in France), he would use as leverage to launch a string of eye-popping acquisitions.

In 1991, he’d kick-start his mad fièvre acheteuse (shopping spree) with les grands magasins (department stores, literally “big stores”) called “Printemps.” Then, a year later, he followed up with the vente par correspondance (mail order) company “la Redoute” (earning him the nickname “le redoutable“, meaning “the dreadful one”), thus establishing what is known today as the PPR consortium, or “Pinault-Printemps-Redoute“, a financial behemoth ran via his holding company named Artémis (spelled with or without accent.)

Through the effective control of PPR, the Pinaults (father and son) secured:

100% of GUCCI, after a long and rather fierce struggle led against longtime rival, and, incidentally, France’s richest man, Bernard Arnault of LVMH (a “financial bloodshed” unseen since the “Turner vs. Murdoch” episode in the US)

100% of Yves-Saint-Laurent (YSL)

100% of Boucheron

100% of Alexander McQueen: The brand named after the late “enfant terrible” of the fashion world, the British fashionista who dressed Lady Gaga in her video “Bad Romance” (maybe an inside joke made in “bad taste”?), and dearly missed by the new Queen of Pop after his alleged suicide some two years ago.

100% of la FNAC, a renown leader in France (as well as Switzerland, Belgium, Spain, Greece, and Portugal) in retailing books, music, video games, and electronics. It has lately expanded operations all the way to Morocco, Thailand (choosing a local name of “Fayaque“), and Brazil (where it is known as “Fenaque.”)

94.2% of the fine French wine Château Latour

And last, but not least, a majority stake in Puma, the proud sponsor of both la Ligue 1 and la Ligue 2 of the Championnat de France de football.

Through direct and indirect means, the group Artemis also wields a powerful control over construction company VINCI (whose logo probably reminds some nostalgic “video gamers” of the Konami insignia of old days…) It is a corporate leviathan specialized in building everything involving le béton (concrete): From airports and highways, to rental car companies, parking garages, and even les stades (stadiums.)

Between the Billionaire Breton and le Béton: A “solid love affair“

Two “concrete” examples (you may pardon the jeu de mot) can serve to illustrate the Pinaults “solid love affair” with le béton:

After purchasing the prestigious fine arts auction house Christie’s International, Monsieur Pinault, a die-hard collector of good things in life, desperately needed an adequate venue where he could finally “enshrine” all of his chefs-d’œuvres acquisitions (if one may qualify as such some of the openly farcical works produced by the so-called “creative genius” of Jeff Koons!) To that purpose, he hired the services of Tadao Andō, a notorious cast-in-
place “concrete-freak” architect from Japan, seconded in command by the President of the Château de Versailles, CEO of TV5MONDE, and celebrated “first openly gay minister of France ever”, Jean-Jacques Aillagon, to renovate the Palazzo Grassi in Venice, which the Pinaults bought (allegedly for peanets!) from the Agnellis, the Italian majority shareholders of FIAT.

Even before the collapse of Communism, Polish Cardinal Józef Glemp had un rêve (a dream), but was seemingly way too busy to fuflfil it: He has lately been forced to issue a formal apology for the series of harsh statements he leveled throughout the past years against people of the Jewish faith and the Holocaust (following a rather costly lawsuit filled against him by Alan Dershowitz…) In order to realize this dream, namely the construction of the Temple of Divine Providence in the Polish capital -a construction project already initiated more than 200 years ago by an ancestor of a French diplomat and former Minister of the Interior, the last King of Poland Stanisław Poniatowski, but somehow never brought to completion!- he naturally turned to the Polish subsidiary of Monsieur Pinault’s Godzilla group: the company “Warbud“—which, it’s no surprise, happens to be extremely busy these days preparing the UEFA 2012 Euro held in Poland and Ukraine.

It remains unclear at this point whether or not, in prepration for the European championship, Warbud is involved in the crual Holocaust campaign targeting stray dogs roaming the streets of the Ukranian capital (“find them-kill them-burn them on the spot.”) But it is nevertheless curious to notice the surprising reaction of high-profile French VIPs such as Brigitte Bardot, the friend of long standing of the Pinault family and a big-time fan of luxurious furry coats… half a century ago. The French lady who is usually pretty vocal when it comes to the matter of la cruauté enevers les animaux (animal cruelty), especially with the issue of the Eid al-Adha, the Muslim festival of sacrifice… Suddenly, Madame Bardot and her namesake Fondation (a proud recipient of Monsieur Pinault’s generous funding) have lost their tongues, and are reduced to rather small and insignificant condamnations, and to this day (January 18th, 2012), do not mention a word about the UEFA animal scandal on their official website!

At any rate, some critics of the Polish construction project have warned that the new spiritual edifice will be “no Polish Notre-Dame”, but more like a gigantic sports complex made out of 100% béton armé (reinforced concrete)… Compliments of Vinci and Monsieur Pinault.

Corporate Synergy: “Case in Point“

Pour “faire le point” (to evaluate the situation), the emblematic Stade de France can be viewed as a case in “point” (“point”… as in the popular French magazine “le Point“, also swallowed by Pinault’s financial Godzilla):

You may recall that it was in this Parisian stadium where Zidane, le capitaine des Bleus, scored his two memorable goals in the 1998 World-Cup final against Brazil.

More than a decade later, after French sports achievements turned, alas, into something of the past (think of the last FIFA World Cup fiasco in South Africa, or the Paris Olympic bid for 2012), the Vinci-owned stadium turned into une arène (an arena) hosting all kinds of showbiz events, preferably huuuge artistic showbiz events, which attract hundreds of thousands of spectators, such as the widely advertised musical “Ben Hur“, produced in 2006 by one Bernard Hossein, who spent time for a while at the helm of le Théâtre Marigny, a landmark Parisian theater more famous for hosting the prestigious Molières ceremony, but, naturally, a bit less for being the 100% property of Monsieur Pinault’s Artemis group!

In other words, to summarize things up, you could very well be originally from le Cambodge (Cambodia), read in a French news magazine or Internet website (owned by M.Pinault) about some “pretty cool” French show (produced by an employee of M. Pinault), fly all the way to France from Cambodia (where M.Pinault also owns airports!), arrive at a (Pinault-owned) International French airport (in Rennes), buy yourself some Gucci (Pinault’s), Château Latour (Pinault’s), or Puma (Pinault’s) products, preferably at the airport’s “duty-free” area (who needs to pay taxes anyway? Remember, if he could, M.Pinault wouldn’t do it either), rent a Vinci (Pinault’s) car, drive on a (Pinault-owned) highway while listening to a (Pinault-owned) radio station, park the (Pinault-owned) rented car at a (Pinault-operated) parking garage, and then enjoy watching the show in a concrete-built multipurpose stadium (owened by M.Pinault)…

Et le meilleur, c’est que vous ne vous en douteriez même pas une seconde! (And the best thing is that you wouldn’t even suspect it for a second!)

Salut Tout le Monde! The Best Spot to Improve your Français is… Right Here!

Posted by Mr. Transparent 3 Comments

Jan 13 2012

You’re increasingly nombreux (many), day after day, to enjoy our Blog français: The French Blog !

Grâce à vous (thanks to you), more and more readers à travers le monde entiers (throughout the whole world) continue to discover the Transparent French Blog, and dramatically improve their Français skills.

To all of you who keep spreading the word to your friends, your family, and coworkers, about this blog and how exciting it is, we would like to tell you encore and encore:

Merci beaucoup !

Transparent actually offers you way more than just the posts that you enjoy reading nearly tous les jours here…

Oui, détrompez-vous (make no mistake about it), “Transparent is Not your Parent’s Cours de Français !“

Transparent also provides you with une experience d’apprentissage (a learning experience) that you won’t find anywhere else. The kind of experience dreamed by -but never available to!- the previous generations who wanted to learn la langue française.

Have you heard, par exemple (for example), of the “byki FRENCH” application?

You definitely should check out if you haven’t done it yet. If you’re curieux (curious) about it, just take a look for yourself at what other utilisateurs (users) have to say about it!

It’s already been available for a while on computer, and having easily converted beaucoup de fans, byki French on iPhone gives you the chance of mémoriser, ”on the go“, all sorts of new mots de vocabulaire, and allows you to use them in *real world* context, par exemple sur Tweeter!

Voici un instantané de quoi ça a l’air (Here’s a snapshot of what it looks like):

And accompagnée d’une chanson (with a singalong song):

Mais ce n’est pas tout ! (But that’s not all)

Une autre application sympa (another cool application) is called Transparent Words, to which you can facilement (easily) connect through your Facebook account. You have le choix (the choice) of either ajouter de nouveaux mots (add new words), together with un exemple of its day-to-day use, or regarder au hasard un mot (see a random word), with the option of “liking” a particular word. If your mot (word) is actually verified as correct, and if it is liked by many other Facebook users, then you’re on your way to achieve une grande célébrité, as you will earn some valuable points de réputation (reputation points)!

Another feature simple et très intéressante of our Transparent French Blog is the “Categories section.”

It allows you to browse previously published articles, selon la catégorie de votre choix (according to the category of your choice.)

- For example, in the category “Business“, if you are planning to apply for work in France, or for a French company, you can find posts showing “How To Write A Résumé in French.” Also, in the same category, you can find a post about l’affaire Kerviel (“Jerôme KERVIEL: «Traitor Trader» ou «Bouc émissaire»?“) which shook the French monde de la finance et du business (the world of finance and business.)

- In the catégorie de l’art (the art category), you can discover one of Jennie’s favorite artists (“Mon artiste français préféré“), namely Toulouse-Lautrec, or perhaps read more about the recent surprising art museum heist in Paris, not too far from la Tour Eiffel (“Une “Casse à-la-Cassel” ! (Grand “Théft” à-la-Menthe)“), worthy of a “Matrix/Ocean 13” stint!

: “Thanks for a great product and much better value than Rosetta Stone.” - Geoffrey Casey, Hawaii, USA

Finally, you should for sure take a look at the French products offered by Transparent Languages, which by far outclass the now (“stone”)aging -and unjustifiably costly!- Rosetta Stone.

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